Ennui and Jesus

I don't know, but something about the last couple of days has really re-sparked my faith in Christ; I can't tell you how good it feels to re-realize what he's done for me.

Even now, I've been really selfish in how I've been acting towards my family, my friends, and I believe it for fact that it's because I've almost turned my back on the Lord. I never renounced my faith in Jesus, but I haven't been attempting to be more Christlike since...well, camp. It sucks that I've become something that made me not want to be a Christian in the first place: a hypocrite.

How can I go on judging those who, by society's standards, have done something "worse" than I have done? All sins are equal, and I've committed the same amount of sins as the person who've I've been pointing the finger of blame at.

I'm still lacking in the humility that I would love to possess, I'm still not close to Jesus.

I feel like I used to feel before I found him. Like I don't know him at all. And I hate that, because I know in my heart that Jesus is the "God in the bod," and he died so all of us retched people could know God and feel his love. 

I want to feel like I felt when I gave my life to Christ on June 6,2007 in Fraser, CO underneath a blanket of stars. I want to feel broken and then healed. I want to feel complete all over again. 

Right now, I don't. Right now, I'm just broken. Right now, I feel incomplete because I haven't put God first.

Lord, I do love you. I do want you, but like all humans I'm selfish, imperfect, and don't know where my priorities lie. You should be my number one, but I've put you last on my list. For that Lord, I'm sorry. I really need your guidance, Father. I'm about to embark on this whole new chapter in my life, and I know I will fail at it if I don't have you. I don't want to spend another moment on this Earth without knowing you better. Jesus, I know you died for MY sins. I hate that I'm imperfect, I hate that because of me...you died. You gave me the greatest gift that only you could give, and that is the gift of eternal life. I speak with my mouth of your Glories, Lord. I open my heart to your love. I'm ready for your warm embrace. Amen.

*****

Goals for the summer

1. Find for Jesus once again, and this time not lose him. Learn from him, grow close to him, and let him guide me through this next chapter of my life.
2. Save 75% of what I make this summer, and actually save it.
3. Become a vegetarian. I'm seriously tired of meat. I find it disgusting...but I eat it anyway
   
4. Not lose weight, but gain muscle. Get tone. I refuse to be apart of the Freshmen 15 statistic. 
   
5. Be happy with my body, and smile when I look at myself naked.
   
6. Read books and become more literate
   
7. Learn how to eat right in college
8. Have John Mayer fall in love with me, and let him change his womanizing ways.
9. Memorize some parts of the Bible that will guide me in the most lonley of times
10. Learn how to cope with leaving my parents.

ps. the picture of me was when I rang the bell. That day I told the world that I am a Christian, and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Thank you Laura, for showing me how awesome Jesus is.

Two Lines

I've written two lines of a song that I'm currently not writing...

Don't take my money, baby.

I can be your change.

I thought that was pretty clever, and if it's real lyrics then I shall be super pissed.

I've also decided that I want to be in a Soap Opera. After Whitman, I'm going to move to New York and audition for my favorite day time drama: ONE LIFE TO LIVE.

It's General Hospital's 45th birthday. 

Today this boy in my class gave a presentation that was supposed to be about Death of a Salesman, but instead he decided to enlighten us on the power of optimism and that the world we live can be no better because it's at it's peak of greatness. He talked of the butterfly effect, and how our wardrobe choices can effect the rest of our lives. I really wanted to punch him in the face, because although I see that the glass is half full; the world is not the best it can be. We are not all in a great place in our lives. There are children dying of AID's in Africa, and those kids are being brainwashed into killing people they know. People are starving all over the world, and he thinks the world can't get any better? Give me a break. I do agree with him that the decisions we make, the big ones, do effect our future lives.

If I hadn't been such a slut last year, I wouldn't have found Christ and pursue a relationship with him. Although I completely regret everything I did, I don't regret it bringing me to God. I wish I could have found him in another way, not making out with any boy that I could get my drunken hands on, but that's life. I did it and there's nothing I can do about it now...

It's weird, but the other night I made a list of all the boys I've made out with. In the two years of actually kissing boys (my first kiss was at 16), I've kissed 16. A fourth of those boys happened in three days, I regret half of them, and 95% of them were one time deals. Anyway, I've decided that I will not kiss any boy for a whole year. I started yesterday. There are some exceptions, if I find a boy that is interested enough to date me and not just use me, then that's okay. But no more drunk making out, I'm tired of the meaningless.

I want to better my life. I wanted to be remembered in a good way. I want Jesus, my father, and my brother to be the only men in my life. I know I can count on them.

I need to change this in myself so I won't lose myself when I move far away from the people that keep me, me. 

It's true, people make you who you are. But also, I want to make myself into the independent, self-assured young woman that I yearn to be.

The Children's Crusade

I looked through the Gideon Bible in my motel room for tales of great destruction. The Sun was risen upon the Earth when Lot entered into Zo-ar, I read. Then the Lord rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the Lord out of Heaven; and He overthrew those cities, and that which grew upon the ground. 

So it goes.

Those were vile people in both those cities, as it well known. The world was better off without them.

And Lot's wife, of course, was told not to look back where all those people and their homes had been. But she did look back, and I love her for that, because it was so human.

So she turned into a pillar of salt. So it goes.

People aren't supposed to look back. I'm certainly not going to do it anymore.

I've finished my war book now. The next one I write is going to be fun.

This one is a failure, and had to be, since it was written by a pillar of salt. It begins like this:

Listen:

Billy Pilgrim has come unstuck in time.

It ends like this:

Poo-tee-weet?

This is such a good book.

Vindication

It feels good to finally get that apology that you've been waiting for since that person has been needing to give one to you.

My last real boyfriend was two years ago, and although I've been over him for quite some time; he apologized to me yesterday for all of the shittiness he brought to me, and it just feels good to have that closure from that part of my life.

You can't always get closure, so when it comes cherish it. The smallest "I'm sorry" brings so much baggage free from my heart, and it's lifted:

I was a terrible boyfriend, and it was weird because I could see myself doing all these really stupid things like not holding your hand and stuff and I didn't really know why I was doing it. You probably won't believe this but I really did like you. I think. See, I know that I was feeling some incredibly strong feelings towards you, and I think I assumed that meant I wanted to date you. But maybe I didn't examine my feelings closely enough because obviously dating you was not what I wanted to be doing. I don't know what else those feelings could have been, but I guess it wasn't what I thought it at first. I'm very sorry for how things happened, it wasn't what i wanted. I'm sorry that [Name] is your best friend. If I started liking someone you didn't know, that probably would've been easier for you.

This is a really weird apology, I know, but to finally hear the truth is just wonderful.

My $45,412 Education

The Inclusive Student Budget for Whitman College:

Tuition and Fees---------------$35,192

Room and Board--------------$8,820

Books and Incidentals--------$1,400

TOTAL-------------------------$45,412

$181,648 for four years at my dream school.

However, minus $34,000 for the following scholarships:

Lomen-Douglas Scholarship $6000

President's Scholarship for Theatre $2500

Apparently, my family makes too much money to be given anymore help with this almost $200,000 education. Even though my father is the only one who works; my mother has a nerve disease which enables her to walk, talk correctly, and do the most simple acts that one must do in day to day life; oh, and they're still supporting my brother who lives by himself in San Antonio.

Although I am anxiously awaiting to go to Whitman College, my college of choice for the past two years, I am not too excited for the massive amount of debt my parents and myself will be in when I graduate.

It's an audacity that a good education is so expensive. Our government is so fucked up and has it's priority in bombing innocents in the Middle East instead of educated it's citizens.

Does it every occur to them that if they help with giving more money for students like me, who want an education, that it would in the long run help the economy? It's hard to get a high paying job if you don't have a bachelors degree. You can pretty much be the manager of McDonald's with a high school diploma, and this really sounds cliche, but I don't want to flip burgers for the rest of my life.

It also pisses me off that my grandparents aren't helping any. My grandfather implanted Whitman on my brain when I was 16, and so I think he should cover some cost of this investment.

Why the hell didn't my parents set up a college fund?

Why were they so stupid?

I don't know what to do.

I'll probably start prostituting myself off.

Become as Little Children

I've known this for a long time, but I've just started to think about it all over again:

My generation is growing up too fast.

Girls I went to elementary school have spat out at least one kid, people my age are getting ENGAGED.

Is anyone not innocent anymore? Why is it that everyone wants to grow up quickly? I'm guilty of it myself, I cannot wait until I'm in college, on my own, finally living my life.

But I'm not going out there getting pregnant and getting engaged. That's fucking ridiculous.

The world is such a hard place to live in. Not that I know, I'm from an upper class family that came from old money. Oil, movie theatres, my great-grandfather owned the Las Vegas strip before it is what it is now. 

I've never had to struggle to get the clothes on my back, the food on my table. My parents provided for me in every possible way. I know I'm blessed. I had a great childhood, but it just really makes me sad for the people who weren't and aren't as fortunate as me. I, who has great parents- a great foundation in which I stand.

It makes me hurt to see people with all these sadness and urgency to get on with life. The only for sure possible thing in life is death, so what's the rush?

I wish I still claimed the innocence I had two years ago, when kissing a boy for the first time was the scariest thought in my mind. When my period was fucking heavy, and I had to go to my mom to buy me tampons. Two years ago, I was still scared of the dark, still scared of the monsters underneath my bed.

But now, even when I know the true monsters that lurk in the dark outside my bedroom walls, I sleep well. There's so much evil in this world, so much hate, and, and violence. 

Why rush into a world like that? Why not stay in your covers where it's safe, warm, and comforting? It blows my mind that any of us get up in the morning. The bravest souls are the ones that get out of bed and enter the world without a helmet on. The people I admire most are the ones that do just that. You're my hero.

It's times like these when I wish there was more time on our hands. Maybe we'd make our mistakes later, in the 25th hour of the day. Maybe it's that one extra hour that will keep our sacred childhood intact with our bodies.

I remember when I lost my innocence. I think everyone does. At least, I hope so, it's a very memorable moment.

It was November 2006, and I made out with some random boy in his truck in some neighborhood. All because I had the chance to. I really don't know why I did that, looking back on it I realize that it was my first regret.

At least I'm not getting married at 18. I thank God in Heaven that I'm not. If you're reading this, by chance, and you're engaged and my age...I'm sorry, but what is this abrupt proposal supposed to bring to your life? 

I'll tell you what: hardship, unhappiness, and society's judgemental glares. You'll act like you actually have money in the bank, food in the fridge, and that you don't fight with your husband whom you've known for hardly a year. You'll pretend you don't feel the burning in the back of your neck when the clerk at Wal Mart asks to see your ID for cigarettes and your thin wedding band shows when you hand it to him. The suburban mom behind you raises her eyebrows and shakes her head.

I admit I'm judging you, but through all of this judgement and blunt honesty... I pray that you'll make it. I pray that something good will come out of this and that you won't regret losing your innocence so quickly in life like I do.

Oh God, I pray that you'll be happy. Everyone deserves happiness in the utmost. 

I couldn't do what you're doing.

But as for me, my feet almost slipped;

I nearly lost my foothold.

For I envied the arrogant

when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

Therefore pride is their necklace;

they clothe themselves with violence.

That is what the wicked are like--

always carefree, they increase in wealth.

Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure;

in vain I washed my hands in innocence.

The Search Begins

With all of this time on my hands I've decided that I should probably start working on my film career. I really want it. I need to start it up. See if it's for me, because I'm not about to be a waitress for the rest of my laugh attempting to get gigs on sitcoms. That's not for me.

I dream of bigger and better things.

I feel like I'm destined for something other than being a teacher or a mother (even though those professions are so honorable). All I want to do is act, but I'm afraid that it won't happen. Then I won't know what to do. I'm not passionate about anything else. All I've ever done and am good at is being someone else for a period of time...

What am I going to do if I fail?

I'm not going to eat tomorrow. But my laziness will probably take over and I will eat something.

I really want to lose weight. I hate my body. I feel like a slob when I look at my body in the mirror.

I ate ice cream today and my dad made some comment about my weight. Which makes me feel so good about myself. Really. I love it when he asks about my waist size and if it's getting bigger.

I feel a depression coming on and it will take more than a few pounds to get me out of it.

Rain

The sound of my father rolling the recyclying bins to their proper place sounds like thunder rolling through the clouds. I am back home from a grueling four day trip to Lubbock, and it didn't turn out the way we wanted to. Instead of moving on to UIL Regionals in San Angelo, we're alternate. One really good and deserving cast went on as well as a piece of shit show that baffled us that it actually advanced.

Our show was raw, honest, and as the judge told us, "Had the best moments of the whole day." Yet why didn't we move on? She never gave us a legitimate reason as to why my last performance in high school screamed to a crashing halt in a PISS ANT TOWN.

We all cried, we all had our hearts broken, and we all had to suck it up for the critique of all the shows before us. We were better than everyone. We know that. I'm not being modest because it's the truth that we deserved to move on with Guyer. Congratulations to them by the way, they work their asses off and I'm glad it's paying off.

Hold this heart when I go.

Sing my song when I go.

Sing it loud when I go.

Sing it proud when I go.

I was listening to this song on the bus ride back home, and it just made me feel a little bit better about the situation...Well, actually it made me want to cry again. I feel like I let everyone down, that if only I did better that we could have moved on and be able to perform once again. 

UIL OAP isn't like football, there isn't a score that's obvious and fact. It's one judges opinion on one day in that one 40 minute slot of time. It's biased in the extreme, there isn't a scoreboard you can track to see which performance is better than the others. Yet, I highly doubt that any of these casts and crews bonded and became a family unit as we have. We have the best directors, best actors, the most heart, and the most honest acting you will ever witness on a high school stage. We don't act, we live in our characters shoes. We breathe their air, and when they hurt, we do too. We bring to life the show.

How dare you, judge say that our show had good scenes and bad ones. High points and low. Let me tell you something. That's life. Life isn't all good scenes, sometimes life's scenes are pieces of shit. There isn't always highs. There's ultimate lows. None of our scenes were bad. They were brilliantly raw, and just because they didn't have a deaf mute writing a letter like that one POS show doesn't mean they were bad. 

I just want the rain to come, and bring on a new day.

I swear I don't know what I'll do with my time anymore...

On the Road

The cast and crew of "Dancing" is here in Lubbock. Today is when we perform. It's really quite scary because for the past three or so days we've been thinking we're hot shit. Although we haven't rehearsed once, which is completely different from Guyer who has every day since they advanced with us.

It's just a buzz kill because it seems like they want it a lot more than us, are a lot more focused, and we're just here for fun.

Maybe it's because we've done this before and they haven't, or maybe it's because our egos have swollen up, I'm not sure. All I know is that I want to advance to State again. I want recognition for all of our hard work. This has been reiterated in my mind over and over again.

I want more than anything for this journey to keep going and not to end in this way. I don't want to lose. I refuse to give up. I refuse, I refuse, I refuse.

To my sisters:
Let's bring the love, the passion, and the magic to this show.
We owe it to Abney, Thompson, and Brian Friel himself to give them a show that they can be proud of. Abney cast us for a reason, and we can't let her down.

Let's give her the first place she's always wanted, what we've always wanted. This is more than a competition, this is our life, our love, our baby. We can't let it go. We cannot be defeated.