I just remembered this...

I'm in college now.

I fell in love 6 months ago.

My heart will break in 27 days, if not already.

I don't know what to believe anymore.

Jesus? Are you there?

I miss my pineapples.

I want to go home.

I'm having the time of my life.

I graduate in three days

and in those three days I'm going to entering the world as a high school graduate, moving onto college, and then onto the world. 

It's quite scary how time flies, how I still sometimes feel like that awkward 14 year old girl with a someone else's style entering a new school three times the size of the last educational establishment. Yet, in reality, I'm 18 years old, physically not awkward anymore, and am about to walk out on my fourth school in 13 years of schooling.

I've really grown so much in the last four years, it's unfathomable. The first time I held hands with a boy was the fifth grade, and it didn't happen again until I was 15. In a years time I went from not kissing any boy to kissing 17 boys, and I'm still cleaning up that mess. 

I went from semi-kinda believing in God, and going to church because it was social time to not believing anything really, then finally becoming a Christian, and practice it.

There isn't one thing that hasn't changed, and I'm really glad that things changed. For awhile I was scared of any kind of change, but now I'm all for it, ready to open a chapter of my life.

I'm a really crappy writer. urgh

I got money in the bank

shorty watchu drank?

Today was a good day. $200, Swimming, filming, grass, and water in the ears.

It couldn't get better than this. 

Summer is going to rock.

My friends...goo-ness! 

Amigos.

I miss this.

Ennui and Jesus

I don't know, but something about the last couple of days has really re-sparked my faith in Christ; I can't tell you how good it feels to re-realize what he's done for me.

Even now, I've been really selfish in how I've been acting towards my family, my friends, and I believe it for fact that it's because I've almost turned my back on the Lord. I never renounced my faith in Jesus, but I haven't been attempting to be more Christlike since...well, camp. It sucks that I've become something that made me not want to be a Christian in the first place: a hypocrite.

How can I go on judging those who, by society's standards, have done something "worse" than I have done? All sins are equal, and I've committed the same amount of sins as the person who've I've been pointing the finger of blame at.

I'm still lacking in the humility that I would love to possess, I'm still not close to Jesus.

I feel like I used to feel before I found him. Like I don't know him at all. And I hate that, because I know in my heart that Jesus is the "God in the bod," and he died so all of us retched people could know God and feel his love. 

I want to feel like I felt when I gave my life to Christ on June 6,2007 in Fraser, CO underneath a blanket of stars. I want to feel broken and then healed. I want to feel complete all over again. 

Right now, I don't. Right now, I'm just broken. Right now, I feel incomplete because I haven't put God first.

Lord, I do love you. I do want you, but like all humans I'm selfish, imperfect, and don't know where my priorities lie. You should be my number one, but I've put you last on my list. For that Lord, I'm sorry. I really need your guidance, Father. I'm about to embark on this whole new chapter in my life, and I know I will fail at it if I don't have you. I don't want to spend another moment on this Earth without knowing you better. Jesus, I know you died for MY sins. I hate that I'm imperfect, I hate that because of me...you died. You gave me the greatest gift that only you could give, and that is the gift of eternal life. I speak with my mouth of your Glories, Lord. I open my heart to your love. I'm ready for your warm embrace. Amen.

*****

Goals for the summer

1. Find for Jesus once again, and this time not lose him. Learn from him, grow close to him, and let him guide me through this next chapter of my life.
2. Save 75% of what I make this summer, and actually save it.
3. Become a vegetarian. I'm seriously tired of meat. I find it disgusting...but I eat it anyway
   
4. Not lose weight, but gain muscle. Get tone. I refuse to be apart of the Freshmen 15 statistic. 
   
5. Be happy with my body, and smile when I look at myself naked.
   
6. Read books and become more literate
   
7. Learn how to eat right in college
8. Have John Mayer fall in love with me, and let him change his womanizing ways.
9. Memorize some parts of the Bible that will guide me in the most lonley of times
10. Learn how to cope with leaving my parents.

ps. the picture of me was when I rang the bell. That day I told the world that I am a Christian, and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Thank you Laura, for showing me how awesome Jesus is.

Two Lines

I've written two lines of a song that I'm currently not writing...

Don't take my money, baby.

I can be your change.

I thought that was pretty clever, and if it's real lyrics then I shall be super pissed.

I've also decided that I want to be in a Soap Opera. After Whitman, I'm going to move to New York and audition for my favorite day time drama: ONE LIFE TO LIVE.

It's General Hospital's 45th birthday. 

Today this boy in my class gave a presentation that was supposed to be about Death of a Salesman, but instead he decided to enlighten us on the power of optimism and that the world we live can be no better because it's at it's peak of greatness. He talked of the butterfly effect, and how our wardrobe choices can effect the rest of our lives. I really wanted to punch him in the face, because although I see that the glass is half full; the world is not the best it can be. We are not all in a great place in our lives. There are children dying of AID's in Africa, and those kids are being brainwashed into killing people they know. People are starving all over the world, and he thinks the world can't get any better? Give me a break. I do agree with him that the decisions we make, the big ones, do effect our future lives.

If I hadn't been such a slut last year, I wouldn't have found Christ and pursue a relationship with him. Although I completely regret everything I did, I don't regret it bringing me to God. I wish I could have found him in another way, not making out with any boy that I could get my drunken hands on, but that's life. I did it and there's nothing I can do about it now...

It's weird, but the other night I made a list of all the boys I've made out with. In the two years of actually kissing boys (my first kiss was at 16), I've kissed 16. A fourth of those boys happened in three days, I regret half of them, and 95% of them were one time deals. Anyway, I've decided that I will not kiss any boy for a whole year. I started yesterday. There are some exceptions, if I find a boy that is interested enough to date me and not just use me, then that's okay. But no more drunk making out, I'm tired of the meaningless.

I want to better my life. I wanted to be remembered in a good way. I want Jesus, my father, and my brother to be the only men in my life. I know I can count on them.

I need to change this in myself so I won't lose myself when I move far away from the people that keep me, me. 

It's true, people make you who you are. But also, I want to make myself into the independent, self-assured young woman that I yearn to be.

The Children's Crusade

I looked through the Gideon Bible in my motel room for tales of great destruction. The Sun was risen upon the Earth when Lot entered into Zo-ar, I read. Then the Lord rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the Lord out of Heaven; and He overthrew those cities, and that which grew upon the ground. 

So it goes.

Those were vile people in both those cities, as it well known. The world was better off without them.

And Lot's wife, of course, was told not to look back where all those people and their homes had been. But she did look back, and I love her for that, because it was so human.

So she turned into a pillar of salt. So it goes.

People aren't supposed to look back. I'm certainly not going to do it anymore.

I've finished my war book now. The next one I write is going to be fun.

This one is a failure, and had to be, since it was written by a pillar of salt. It begins like this:

Listen:

Billy Pilgrim has come unstuck in time.

It ends like this:

Poo-tee-weet?

This is such a good book.